It Wasn't Supposed to Be This Way
I'm still angry. Really angry that my mom died. It's going on eleven years, and while I don't expect to ever get over it, I'm sometimes surprised by what I feel inside. This should be the happiest time of my life. Instead I've been depressed and crying. We adopted our wonderful son in August, after fighting to keep him for over three years. And we just bought an amazing house. But all I can think of is that she should be here to celebrate all of this with me.
Sometimes I feel like I want to act like a child and throw a complete fit, I'm so mad. I want to scream at people, punch girls with their mothers and stomp my feet until she comes back.
After ten years if I hear our special song in a store I still have to leave. I can't handle it.
Why couldn't she have died at 85 like she was supposed to? Why did it have to be at 50, where she missed out on so much of my life and her own?
When she first died, I used to cry every day. Sometimes all day. I used to leave work at ten in the morning crying, and come home and drink beer on my porch. By the end of that summer I could drink a six pack by myself.
Throughout the rest of the year I became reckless. I didn't care what happened to me. If I was lucky, I thought, I'd die and be with her again.
It's my fault my marriage ended. And I did nothing to stop it. I didn't care about anyone except for myself and what I was going through.
I stopped believing in God for a long, long time. I still struggle with that, but it's getting better.
I just want to think of her and not be angry anymore. I want to not take it out on the people I love, because it's not their fault she's not here.
And, most of all, I want to live a life she'd be proud of.
Sometimes I feel like I want to act like a child and throw a complete fit, I'm so mad. I want to scream at people, punch girls with their mothers and stomp my feet until she comes back.
After ten years if I hear our special song in a store I still have to leave. I can't handle it.
Why couldn't she have died at 85 like she was supposed to? Why did it have to be at 50, where she missed out on so much of my life and her own?
When she first died, I used to cry every day. Sometimes all day. I used to leave work at ten in the morning crying, and come home and drink beer on my porch. By the end of that summer I could drink a six pack by myself.
Throughout the rest of the year I became reckless. I didn't care what happened to me. If I was lucky, I thought, I'd die and be with her again.
It's my fault my marriage ended. And I did nothing to stop it. I didn't care about anyone except for myself and what I was going through.
I stopped believing in God for a long, long time. I still struggle with that, but it's getting better.
I just want to think of her and not be angry anymore. I want to not take it out on the people I love, because it's not their fault she's not here.
And, most of all, I want to live a life she'd be proud of.
Comments
Now look what you did - You made me cry.
It was hardest for me the 1st year of their life knowing she'd never see them and vice versa. Time has definitely healed things a good bit. Hpwever I admit, I'm jaded about death. I know it's wrong, but when I have a friend mourning the loss of a grandparent or someone who died in their 70's-80's-90's, I find it very hard to sympathize. I know I should, and somewhere inside I do, but my outer layer thinks--that's not fair, my mom was only 50--and a very young 50 at that! You're *supposed* to die in your 80's, that's normal.
I really am sorry you are still going through the process. It's hard. I hope you find you peace soon :)
We probably come from different worlds, but your words made me feel your pain...
Tara, I'm sorry for your loss. After my mom died I went to a bereavment group. I had the youngest parent who had died. Most of them were in their 60s and lost parents in their 80s or 90s. One woman actually told me I was lucky my mom died so young, because I didn't have that many memories with her. SHE on the other hand had tons of memories with her mother who had died at 90. I wanted to jump on her. I left and never went back.
Watching my husband for the past three years showed me that the anger and grief never go away.
I would have punched that woman. Or at least said something hurtful to her.
And Roxy, my heart goes out to you, so, so much.
You are both amazing and I feel priveleged to call you my blogger friends :) :) that called for two smiles
Roxy, I'm sorry for your losses. It does make me feel better knowing I'm not alone.
Crystal, you're a sweetheart:)
But from what I've seen, you're a great young woman, with a lot to offer the world just by being alive--and that's thanks to your mother, she brought you here!
And all the other commenters are right; she is proud of you. And I'm sure she doesn't want you swallowed by your grief and anger. Let your memories be sweet, and stand firm in the belief that God never allows you to experience more than you can handle. Lean not on your own understanding... we never find answers to the big "why" questions in life--that's just not for us to comprehend, yet. (But we're awfully good at beating ourselves up trying.)
Thanks for sharing with us. I hope you and the others mentioned here experiencing the same are able to heal.
You're in my prayers.
skmayhew(at)q(dot)com I gave a copy of the book to several people who were struggling with the loss of our Dear Natalie.
It's good to talk about it. I was so busy trying to help everyone cope, that when it me...I was a mess. Now I smile at the picture of Nat in my office. She would have been so proud that I am pursuing my dream...I hope to hear from you.
I hate being an orphan. My father passed when I was only four, so though I've spent a lifetime missing him, I never really knew him. Mom was everything and the ached goes through my soul and beyond. It's like a great black hole in my very center that sucks the life out of everything and makes it hard to function on more days than I care to admit.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this, except to let you know you aren't alone. I don't know how to make the pain go away, but I promise--you are not alone.
Big hugs.
My dad died when I was 5
I lived years like what you just described- and I still miss him
A few years ago, I sat down and started writing letters to him, telling him about my kids and my wedding day. After awhile, in those letters, I found myself asking "Were you watching when Alex hit that homerun"
It helped... some...
Karen, I'm so sorry your mom died. That is still so fresh. Even though I still have bad days after almost eleven years, I can tell you it definitely does get better than in the beginning. People kept saying that and it's true. It will never truly go away, but the pain is a little more dull each day. You'll find yourself not thinking about her every second of the day. I remember noticing, Hey, I haven't thought about my mom in almost 2 hours. And it increased from there. I'm thankful for that. But sometimes it just HITS! And when it does, watch out. )
My mom died when she was only 54 and I was angry with God, but I never stopped believing in Him, and now I trust His goodness very much.
"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:21
Cyber hugs from Terra